Disclaimer: the following article describes the writer placing non-monetary bets on the demise of certain people. This article and the participation in a “Celebrity Dead People” is meant to be in jest and in no way does The Sputnik endorse, hope for or encourage any harm to come to anyone mentioned in the article. –Ed.
It’s a new year and a fresh start for many people, including our favourite screw-ups in Tinseltown. However, a lot of these train wrecks like to gamble with their lives by participating in some risky behaviour so after taking a look at the odds, I decided to do some betting of my own.
This is where “Celebrity Dead Pool” comes in. I went to HubPages.com where the Celebrity Dead Pool is compared to the Oscars, Golden Globes and the Nobel Prize as a “game that tests your predictive ability.” It is literally a forum where you place bets on the lives of others, specifically famous (or infamous) people. If you win, you get bragging rights, the chance to run the next pool and the morbid, lingering notion that you can predict other’s deaths.
After taking a look at a few choice celeb sources (Perez Hilton, TMZ, The Superficial), I chose which 10 celebrities I think will kick the bucket between January 1 and December 31, 2011. I made sure that my celebrities in question aren’t too obscure (i.e. D-list or lower), that they aren’t under the age of 18 and that they aren’t “brain dead,” in a coma or other vegetative state. Politicians and some religious leaders are considered, too, and so are Guinness World Record holders.
Once I chose my 10 celebrities, I also had the option of predicting exactly how they’ll die. It doesn’t earn me any extra points, but it does make it even spookier (and potentially hilarious) if my prediction is accurate. Each correct prediction wins a certain number of points, with a death of a person up to age 49 earning 10 points, between 50 and 80 years earns five, a person over 80 earning two-point-five, pets of celebrities one point and cartoon or fantasy characters gets a half point. Always a fan of taking risks, I chose celebrities who I knew were going to put up a fight, but I also played it safe by listing off a few who are at the end of their rope. Here are just a few of my picks:
First up is everyone’s favourite porn critic and drug enthusiast, Charlie Sheen. If the “hookerpalooza” he’s been hosting for the past little while doesn’t kill him with an onslaught of V.D., the coke binge definitely will. Can’t blame him, either; if my “golden moment” was being the star of Two and a Half Men, I’d go a little heavy on the blow, too.
My next choice was Bruno Mars. There’s something about the Devil’s dandruff that seems to get everyone into trouble these days. Since he apparently dodged a bullet by avoiding conviction for possession of cocaine, Mars probably won’t learn his lesson and this will be his downfall. He’ll pen a mediocre yet horrendously catchy song right before he ODs, and it’ll be his biggest hit yet. Too bad his 15 minutes of fame will be long over by the time that happens.
Next is our favourite troll, Snooki. If she doesn’t die of skin cancer in the next year, there sure as hell is going to be someone coming at her with a hammer hoping to play some Whack-a-Mole. Maybe they’ll even create a Whack-a-Snookie in memory of her fateful death.
Fourth are the Kardashian sisters. If you haven’t grown sick of them by now, you will. Currently, there are a number of Facebook groups dedicated to the general public’s hatred of the Kardashians with the biggest boasting over 1,000 members. I can picture it now: those 1,000+ people will form an angry mob—one with pitchforks and fire.
Finally is Kate Middleton, or the future Queen of England. Wearing Diana’s ring was a bad idea from the start; the morbid omen coming from it is palpable. The royal family happens to have a great dislike of divorcees (and less-than-pristine people in general). If this fairytale wedding doesn’t work out, she’ll certainly wish she was dead.
Now that I’ve placed my bets, all I can do is wait. Karma has a funny way of allowing people to get what they deserve, but there’s always the possibility of a wrench thrown into the wheels that throws everyone off. Anyone from Justin Bieber to Barack Obama could die this year; it’s all a matter of chance. Here’s hoping the odds are in my favour.