Screw Hallmark and sex-it-up

lovecloudThere is a universal image for Valentine’s Day: a heart shaped box of mediocre chocolates, roses, and a cheesy Hallmark card that makes you blush for the wrong reasons. This year, whether you’re single or taken, ditch the traditional clichés of Valentine’s Day and get sexy instead.


Valentine’s Day can be brutal for even the most adamant “I don’t need anyone” kind of people. This Valentine’s Day, slip into something that makes you sizzle (possibly a red sweetheart neckline dress, or a spiffy fitted suit) and go out. Gather your single friends and go to speed dating. You will either end up hooking up with someone who loves or hates V-day just as much as you, or you will have a blast laughing at everyone (including yourself) on your way back. If this is not an option, go to your local sex store, buy a toy, and have a fun night for one at home. And remember, if you have a f**k buddy, you should call them (they’re likely single and lonely too).


Since Valentine’s Day is a corporate scam to get couples to waste money on each other for the sake of love, I say, “screw it”. There is nothing sexy about plastic wrapped chocolate, or a fuzzy gorilla that comes to life at the push of a button and sings, “Wild Thing.” Here are my sweet to sexy transformations that will ensure that you and your honey have a sexy Valentine’s Day which, let’s face it, is so much better.

Ditch the box of chocolates and get body chocolate instead.

Who wouldn’t love their partner licking chocolate off of all the erogenous zones? No one, that’s who, go get some body chocolate and write sexy things all over your lover’s body, then take your time getting rid of it.

Screw Hallmark and Sext it up. (Ladies only)

Unfortunately guys, ladies still like the sweet little nothings written in V-day cards, but it doesn’t mean you need to buy one. If you make it yourself, she will find it so much sexier, and your chances of a happy ending are skyrocketed. And ladies, it’s a pretty well known fact that most men hate cards, so don’t waste your money. If you sext him throughout the day instead, it will drive him WILD.

Who needs a teddy bear when you can get a real toy?

Don’t buy teddy bears! Buy something that will remind your lover of how sexy you are year round. Buy your man some cuffs or a fleshlight (if you’re not too jealous of the faux vag), or buy a toy that he can use on you. You will get 365 times more use out of it, and you won’t even have to throw it out if you break up.

Don’t go on a boring date.

If you want to make V-day date night, you might as well make it a date that ensures great sex at the end of it. Opt for something that gets blood pumping and adrenaline rushing through your body. Try a rock concert, a risky hike, or even taboozing (tobogganing while drunk). The excitement of the night will definitely carry on in the bedroom if you ditch the typical dinner and movie V-day date.

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