Have the happiest Halloween

Halloween and sex have had an increasingly close relationship, especially as we’ve become a more liberal society. All you have to do is head to a party or bar on Halloween night to see a gaggle of girls (and some mothers) dressed in barely-there outfits courtesy of their local Stag Shop.

For today’s lesson in Sex 101, we’ll be talking about what you need to know for your Halloween hook-up to run as smoothly as possible:
Sometimes a mask is hiding something much scarier. Don’t let your beer goggles blindly lead you into the arms of a hunky hockey goalie only to find out the face under the mask looks like Shrek.

To the men: generally women don’t like things on or around their face.

If you find someone who’s completely covered, it’s a warning sign to be afraid, be very afraid.

Beware the sex position sneak attack. You thought it would be cute when your boyfriend decided to be a ghost buster for Halloween until he threw a sheet over your head, pulled out his proton pack and gave you his best Bill Murray impression mid-thrust. Men’s websites like askmen.com feature different styles and positions to suit many costumes and adventure seekers. The one I’ve just described, “ghost rider,” is of the least humiliating situations I could find. Rounding out the list were the “one-eyed pirate” and “grave robber.” I’ll leave it to you to research those on your own.

Every night ends in a morning after. As alcohol and excitement flow through your body on Halloween night, make sure to keep in mind the repercussions of a hook up. Take it from someone whose been there – you don’t want to wake up the morning after and realize you have to take the bus home dressed like Tom Cruise in Risky Business (white dress shirt, no pants, tighty whiteys, white socks). If I see you on the street Monday morning dressed as Lady Gaga or Batman, I will laugh at you.

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