Congratulations! You’ve made it to university and in a few months you’ll be out of your parents’ house and living in a hotbed of sex and lust. For this installment of Sex 101, I’ll be giving you some of my top do’s and don’ts to help you get your rocks off in the safest and sexiest way possible. So pay attention – you could learn a thing or two.
DON’T: Get too drunk at the bar if you want to pick up. This goes for both guys and girls — no one enjoys being vomited on mid-thrust because their partner has motion sickness. Plus, you’ll end up with a nickname like Hurling Heather or Pukey Peter, which is hilarious for everyone except you.
DO: Work on your game if you want to get play. If you suck at attracting the opposite sex now, chances are you’ll still suck when you arrive at university. Sure, finding someone to bang at university is as easy as finding a spray tan at the Jersey Shore but if you work on your game, you up your chances of taking home some real stunners.
DON’T: If you find a partner, don’t think you’re God’s gift to the opposite sex (or same sex, depending how you swing.) Remember, if you’re sleeping with someone hot, there are at least three people plotting to do the bang-a-rang with them as well. If you’re a cocky, snobby jerk to the person who is willingly sleeping with you, someone else will swoop in and leave you in the cold.
DO: Buy condoms! Ladies, if you rely on the guy to do this, you may hear something about “pulling out” or end up with a makeshift Saran wrap device being improvised at 2 a.m. (and believe me, you do not want to be fighting through an itchy crotch and a vicious hangover during your 9 a.m. lecture). Save yourself the trouble and be prepared. You don’t want your most vivid memory of first year to be a heinous rash or an unwanted baby.
DON’T: For the love of God, don’t have sex if you’re not ready. Just because your slutty roommate has been pounded by half of the guys in your residence building before the end of O-Week does not mean you should, too! Just remember that if you’ve saved your virginity this long, then there’s a reason behind that. Peer pressure’s a bitch, but it shouldn’t be the bitch that ruins a moment you cannot get back.
See you for the next edition of Sex 101!